Tell me I do not linger
Tell me you do not find me lying there still
Tell me that it is easy to think of the future
Tell me the past has no hold on you
Tell me that you don’t love me
I’ve written so many things about my recent failure
Once again I have forgotten
Yet like all the others I didn’t forget
I will give no excuse
No bullshit
You did not hear from me
That is all that matters
I walked out the door
That is all that matters
I wish you a happy birthday my Jane
My beautiful sweet loving kind sincere and hilarious Jane
How I miss your love
How I miss your laughter
How I miss you my dear
All these years later
Happy 28th birthday you old crone
I hope it was everything you wanted
At first I could not believe
This blood all over my body
Crusting in my hairs
Rejuvenating my skin
Belonged to anyone but myself
Yet no matter how many times I approached the river
I was never cleansed
Red would the river flow
Blue once I left it
When I tried to lick myself clean I tasted the metal
Yet there was this unknown flavor
The flavor of someone else’s skin
Then I sat in the sun and waited for its love to wash me clean
All it did was set me ablaze and send me screaming for the nearest cliff
Climbing out assured that the fire had cleansed me
I approached the river
In my reflection I found no gaping wounds no screaming arteries no charred skin
Now my body was covered in what I was born in
Dirt
And the river opened itself up to me and I accepted its generosity
Swirling around me pushing and pulling
I did not fight
I stood no ground
I let the river take my body
And I woke on the coast of a golden land
Knowing that this is what awaits me
At the end of the line
I walked north up the coast
In search of her gravestone
To tell her I love her one last time
Before my time comes
I will do for you now
Which they will never do for you
I will shed my humanity
I will tell the truth
It’s not your fault Jane
You didn’t burn anything down
And you did the best you could
You never shot me dead in the streets
You never woke me in the red room with love and sweetness
You never lied to me
You did not kill him Janet
Austin Wheeler died of his own volition
His own choices
You never abandoned
You never neglected
You never shamed
You never ran away
The truth is a funny thing
Who do you think knows it better
The dealer or the addict
You came back ‘round today
The fringe and fray of your hair whispered to me from just outside my vision
I saw your hands reaching from behind
But I don’t need to tell you what was there when I looked
Those are My demons
And I’m getting sick of sharing
This all comes at a time where
I think
My heart has once again finished its molting
A kindred soul has massaged it’s raw and sensitive pulsations
And I feel my bloodlust surging
Yet now I am being picky and none else will satiate my desires
But the one who caused them
The inferno burns all to feel the spark that started it all
I will die Love
I will no longer laugh
No longer chew with my mouth open
No longer pound the steering wheel
No longer chase you through the woods
No longer throw Sebastian into the sky
No longer play with your hair
I will die Love
I sit here
Here I sit
Weeping on my guitar
Literally
Ammunition she says
Doesn’t believe she says
Lost her senses when she told me to lose mine
Yet now she is clear
And I am filthy
All I know is that I believe and I’m full of holes wondering why I’m alone on the streets asking if you have seen her
My partner
“You killed her”
“Don’t you remember”
Ah the blood
All over me
Now I can see
The real me
Ah the love
Overtakes me
Shows what I could be
Reminds what I was
Proves what I am
Is my heart closed from the pain?
Yes.
I have not healed
One never does I don’t think
From a wound given by love
Obviously the body works it’s magic
But never perfectly
And so I have a wound from love
That tears open my chest and causes blood to flow out
I stand all day holding myself together to try and help my body
Help the magic
But it is never enough
And if it ever is
If this hole is ever to be sealed
Would I not tear it open again?
Yes.
I am going to write on love from what I know on love
Not the fantasy I find within it
Unconditional
Free
Surging
Love is in the air
As long as you are not submerged in something else
It will find its way inside of you
But it is a choice
Never too easy never too hard
Love is stepping on gum with shoes on
Love is snot running down your nose on a morning run
Love is the cry of a baby born before it was suppose to be
Love lives in abundance amongst us
Points it’s fingers at us and laughs
Then helps us back on our feet
Love has given me the greatest gifts of my life
Love has given me the greatest pains of my life
I do live within loves fantasy
And not in its reality
Maybe that is why I will never be love
Or maybe I have found a new garden
😮💨
That was trash
The children don’t laugh at me like they used to
The trees are smiling wider
My heart is as heavy as it has ever been
The poison that covered my lungs is clearing
I am no larger than a grain of sand
No less destructible
Still a crybaby a brat a twat a fool
Still a door that needs a good kick
No longer too sad too mad too happy too sure
No longer feel wanted here
Don’t think I ever was
But then again who is
My body is betraying me
My spirit is taking flight
Age has never looked so good on me
And I have never cared any less
Something they have always told me growing up
You look just like your mother
Today I saw a demon
My face in my mothers
In a moment of woe and worry she pleaded with my emotions
Coddling herself she looks at me with the wanting of mercy
I appeased my master
Raising my head to affirm her
For a split second
The briefest of moments
I saw the face of the person who screamed at you on the staircase so long ago
The person who ran away
The person who lied
Hidden deep beneath the surface of her visage lies that truth
As it does with me and my sister
The source
The curse
I now know the face of my family’s trauma
I will free us all
